As most of you know, Southwest Airlines is a model of efficiency copied by low cost carriers around the world. As the father of a newborn, I am finding a plethora of inefficient aspects of life with a baby. That got me thinking: what would Southwest be like if our 737s operated like a newborn?

1. Our fuelers would load the required amount of fuel onto the plane. Then the Captain would open the dump valve and pour a couple thousand pounds of fuel overboard just after departure. A few minutes later, he would dump another thousand.
2. Because of these fuel dumps, the flight would now be short of fuel and unable to reach its destination, necessitating either a midair refueling or diversion.
3. On-time departures and arrivals would be a thing of the past. The published schedule would be more of a suggestion. A flight is successful if it gets there at all.
4. Instead of going several weeks between cleanings, our planes would need a thorough cleaning after every flight, both inside and out.
5. Every passenger would talk on their cell phone at the top of their lungs for the entire flight.
6. Both lavs are inop. Always. Hope you brought a really big diaper bag!