The Biblical View of Marriage

Posted on May 17, 2012 by Andy

After President Obama’s surprise announcement in support of gay marriage, Christians across the country are denouncing his position and calling for the government to uphold the Biblical model of marriage. Many even call for new laws or even constitutional amendments to enforce the Biblical model. I agree 100 percent. As many have noted, God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. If God’s law was good enough for His people long ago, it should most certainly be good enough for us.

Except for those heathen liberals, everyone knows we need to prohibit gay marriage to protect the American family. But it turns out we need to update some other laws as well. Here are some changes that must be made to our marriage laws to bring them into line with the Bible:

Polygamy Allowed – A man is permitted to have more than one wife. In the days of the Old Testament, polygamy was perfectly acceptable and not prohibited by the Bible (Exodus 21:10). Indeed, Jacob had two, Leah and Rachel (Genesis 29:27-28). King David, the “man after God’s own heart”, had several wives and concubines (2 Samuel 5:13). Solomon, the wisest man ever, had hundreds of each (1 Kings 11:3). (I assume he wrote Song of Solomon for his favorite) Don’t ask me how they kept up with so many women. I’m not sure I could remember all their names if I had 1000 wives, but it worked for them. Maybe those fundamentalist Mormons in west Texas with multiple wives weren’t so crazy after all. The only Biblical exception I’ve found is for pastors and deacons in the church, who are only allowed one wife. (1 Timothy 3:1-13) Some on the Religious Right won’t agree with allowing polygamy because it doesn’t match their traditional view of marriage, but they just aren’t reading their Bibles carefully.

Marriage Required After Premarital Sex – If a man has sex with an unmarried woman (or girl – no age limit in the Bible), he must marry her, and he owes her father the standard bride price of 50 pieces of silver (the price might need some discussion due to the volatility in silver prices). Sex is like superglue and bonds two people together forever. What’s that, you say? You drank a bit too much at a party and went home with some girl you just met? Congratulations! Your search for a wife is officially over. (Deuteronomy 22:28-29)

New Brides Stoned if Not Virgins – If a man marries a woman and then finds she is not a virgin (I won’t go into the details, as this is a family blog), she must be stoned for her sin. Well, I suppose we could use lethal injection now since stoning has gone out of style here in America. Virginity is easily verifiable, so this new law should be straightforward to implement. (Deuteronomy 22:13-21)

Divorce Prohibited – God hates divorce, so it must be sinful and is therefore outlawed. (Malachi 2:13-16) Sorry. No “irreconcilable differences”. No “she’s not the same person I married”. No “he gets drunk and beats me up”. No “he cheated on me”. Those problems are certainly regrettable, but a husband and wife are married, and marriage is permanent. Except when a spouse dies (and don’t get any ideas – remember the sixth commandment!), marriage is a one-time commitment for everyone. It’s like Let’s Make A Deal, and you’re taking Door Number 3 for life. Choose wisely.

Death Penalty for Adultery – Yep, cheating on your spouse is now a death sentence for both the offending parties. (Deuteronomy 22:22) This one should free up a few seats in Congress, eh? The Word is clear. Seems weird that we haven’t been doing this all along. After all, I don’t recall anywhere in the Bible where this rule gets lifted. Sure, Jesus gave a pass to one adulterous woman, but I think He was just feeling generous that day. If we want to protect the American family, we need some real penalties for sins like adultery.

Remarriage After Divorce Prohibited – Divorce will be impossible, but if you got divorced before the American marriage laws were updated, you cannot get remarried. That’s adultery. (see above for the new penalty for adultery) Sorry. Happy singleness, divorced people. You’re pretty much screwed for life. Er, well, actually not screwed for the rest of your life. (can I say “screwed” on a family blog?) Yes, Jesus did say in Matthew 5 that it’s not adultery if a man divorces his wife due to infidelity and then remarries, which some might try to use as a loophole. However, in Mark 10 and Luke 16, He left out that exception, so we need to play this one conservatively. Risking sin isn’t worth it. We all must be on guard at all times.

Widows Without a Male Heir Must Marry Brother-in-Law – The purpose of marriage is to produce children and fill the earth, right? No heir = no bueno. If a woman’s husband dies before they have produced a male heir, she must marry his brother (Darryl?) so that the two of them can produce a male heir. (Mark 12:18-23) Remember, polygamy is OK now, so no worries if Darryl is already married. No worries if Darryl’s wife objects, either. She doesn’t get a vote. (She is a woman, after all) If Darryl dies without a producing an heir with her, she must marry his other brother (Darryl?), and so on until they get the job done. As a side note, we can probably assume from the importance of heirs that birth control should be outlawed as well, but we’ll have to plan our legislative battles wisely and wait for the right time. Until then, we can simply give childless couples dirty looks to shame them into compliance. Surely they are not choosing God’s plan for them.

So there you have it, a rough blueprint for how to save the Biblical institution of marriage from the crazy liberal commies who are trying to remake it in their own image. Don’t be fooled by their talk of “loving your neighbor as yourself” and “the golden rule” and “equal rights”. Our government has a clear constitutional responsibility to force all Americans to live by our clearly defined Christian values. Those traditional values are what makes this America, the land of the free. Contact your representatives in Washington today and make sure they know where you stand.

Stats for the Week

Posted on May 12, 2012 by Andy

Movies seen: 2 – Dream House, which was OK, and The Avengers, which was awesome
Sodas consumed: 1. But to be honest, it was a huge movie soda, so it probably counts double. OK, triple. It was big. With no ice. Don’t hate.
Miles run: 21.2, including two PRs (woohoo!)
Miles cycled: 11.3
Bicycle crashes: 1 (on the trail, landed on grass, no injuries except to my ego. don’t tell anybody)
Diversions at work: 1 (LAS-HOU diverted to AUS due to thunderstorms)
Shifts worked: 7
Flights affected by bomb threats at work: 2 (SNA-PHX thanks to some clown – read more here – 811 was mine)
New contracts at work: 0, despite much speculation to the contrary
People pissed off: unknown, probably a few!
Controversial/inflammatory statements withheld: several. See, I’m getting better! Sort of. Wooooooosaaaaaaa….woooooosaaaaaaa….
New followers of AndyBox.com: 1 (welcome, Leslie!)
Most popular blog post: Norwegian Cruise Lines vs. The Competition
Highest-profile blog endorsement: awesome AC/DC cover band Back in Black posted my review of their concert last June on their Facebook page
Trips to the doctor: 1 (pink eye. again.)
Years since I proposed to Jenny in Austin: 10, as of Friday. Happy engagement anniversary, or whatever the proper term is!

I Haven’t Peaked Yet

Posted on May 12, 2012 by Andy

People who analyze these things say that for any given sport, athletes typically achieve their top performance around a certain age and then gradually decline until they retire. Female gymnasts peak in their late teens. Swimmers of both genders peak in their early twenties. Tennis players peak in their early to mid twenties. Soccer, football, baseball, and basketball players peak in their mid to late twenties. Naturally, some athletes don’t fit the normal bell curve, such as swimmer Dara Torres, who won three Olympic silver medals in 2008 at age 41. But most athletes fall pretty close. This article and this article discuss the typical ages of peak performance in various sports and some more detail on how and why athletes improve, peak, and decline.

However, this model assumes that the athlete has trained hard for years prior to the “optimum” age range in order to peak then. On an individual level, the timeline might be different for someone who picks up the sport later in life.

This is good news for me.

Distance runners tend to peak in their late twenties and early thirties. Indeed, in my last 10k a few weeks ago, the overall winner was a 31-year-old man who beat me by 10 minutes. Since I’m in my mid-thirties now, I should be starting my downhill slide into slowness. But I still have hope. I didn’t get serious about running until a couple of years ago. I missed years of training prior to what should have been my best years. So if I work hard, I should be able to keep improving for a while, maybe a few years or even more, until I become the fastest I can be. Fortunately, running is a sport one can do well for decades, and there are 50- and 60-year-olds still run times that I’ll never touch. So it’s not like I’ll suddenly turn into a turtle four years from now.

A day will come when I set my final personal record (PR). I won’t know until afterward, though, when I keep trying to beat it and never succeed, and I finally accept that I’ve crested the hill. That will be a bittersweet realization. After that, I’ll run every race expecting to finish behind the young phantom Andy who’s waiting for me at the finish line, swigging Gatorade and checking his mile splits on the iPhone.

But I haven’t peaked yet. I can still do better. I can still get stronger and go faster. I can still improve my technique and run more efficiently. I can still add fuel to the fire.

And I will.

Thoughts for 5/9/2012

Posted on May 9, 2012 by Andy

Look, I threw in a picture! It’s not my picture, but I liked it and stole it from the Interwebs.

Lots of thoughts today, but none big enough to put into its own post (for now). So here are some things to chew on:

I am disappointed but not surprised by the victory for Amendment One in North Carolina, which enshrines a ban on gay marriage in the state constitution. However, I am hopeful that if the Supreme Court decides to rule on the issue of gay marriage within a year or two, laws like Amendment One and California’s Prop 8 will be ruled unconstitutional, effectively authorizing gay marriage throughout the country. If Obama is re-elected, I think he’ll fully support gay marriage in his second term. He can’t do it right now because it would cost him some crucial independent votes.
During my run, I found a guy letting his dog take a dump in his neighbor’s yard. He walked off like nothing had happened. Nope, not today, jerk. When I got close, I asked if he had a bag. Looking embarrassed, he muttered something and turned back. I kept running, so I’m not sure whether he actually cleaned it up or not. I should have asked him where his house was so I could go take a dump in his yard.
Dear clowns who call in bomb threats for flights (if any of them happen to follow AndyBox.com): all you’re doing is wasting everyone’s time and delaying flights. Real bombers probably don’t bother to call.
I’m running about 20 miles a week now and plan to roughly maintain that level through the summer, although not setting any speed records due to the heat. I’m generally doing 6 miles on Monday, 4 on Wednesday, and 10-11 on Saturday. If I run-walk and hydrate enough, which is means a LOT of water for me because I sweat like a soaker hose, I can handle the heat OK even on a long run. I just got a new style of knee brace, a compression sleeve that covers my whole patella, and I’m liking it so far. I might get another one for my other knee. That way I can be symmetrical, and there will be joy.
With the possibility of our first family trip to Disney World looming next year, I’ve started thinking about booking flights. I haven’t bought a real airline ticket in 15 years, so it’s a bit odd to think about flights like a normal customer rather than a nonrev. I’m most concerned about price and departure/arrival time and mostly unconcerned with the number of people onboard. It’s completely backwards! Also, it turns out that flying is pretty expensive. Fortunately, I should have enough Rapid Rewards points to get at least three of our tickets, maybe even all four.
I am tired of hearing people mention factors like race and sexual orientation in casual conversation when those qualities have zero relevance to the story they’re telling. If it matters to your story that a person is black or gay or Mexican or mentally retarded or whatever, then by all means include it. Otherwise, he’s just “a guy”, not “a black guy”. When you toss in irrelevant information, you’re simply revealing your prejudice toward those people.
One of my Facebook buddies is the community pastor at my church. I thought she seemed cool, so I friended her on Facebook. Our main connection is running. Until we raced together last month, I’d never held a real conversation with her in person. Our interaction had solely come through Facebook and an occasional “hi” at church. These are some of the strange types of relationships that social media makes possible.
I write one check per month. It goes to my boys’ preschool. I pay everything else online or automatically via my credit card. Checks are not my friend. Unless, of course, someone wants to give one to me. Then they are great.
Have I mentioned lately how glad I am not to be famous? No interviews, no paparrazzi, no public scandals, no pressure to please millions of diverse people. It’s also kinda nice not to be rich, either. Being a millionaire would change me somehow, and maybe not for the better. Plus I don’t have to worry about sycophants and thieves who want things from me.

Random Facts About Me for May 2012

Posted on May 7, 2012 by Andy

It’s been a while, so here are ten more random facts about me:

I’m glad I went to Baylor (sic ‘em!). There are many reasons I chose Baylor. One of the primary ones was its Christian atmosphere. My other top choice was Rice, a small liberal arts college with a secular and quirky culture. At the time I was deciding on schools, I debated (among other things) whether I wanted to be surrounded by Christians who I assumed would support my faith or surrounded by mostly nonChristian students and professors who would challenge my faith. It never occurred to me that Baylor would challenge my faith like it did or that Rice actually had quite a few Christians. I wonder what, if anything, would have been different if I’d spent those four years in Houston. Would my faith have emerged stronger or weaker? Would I have dated my high school girlfriend across hundreds of miles during college or broken up with her? Would I have chosen the same career path and gotten the job that I did?
I love football, both college and pro, but I feel a bit guilty for supporting it due to the growing pile of evidence about football-related head injuries. As a fan, I’m part of the problem. However, with growing awareness comes growing support for changes to the game to make it safer for the players, so I have a bit of hope.
Although as an Irving native, I’ve always supported the Dallas Cowboys, I will support the Redskins as long as RG3 is their quarterback. Yes, even head-to-head.
I’ve tried a few burrito joints. I rank them thus: 1) Chipotle 2) Planet Burrito 3) Freebirds
I still miss singing in a choir. I’m not a great soloist, but I seemed to do OK singing with lots of other people. Once the boys get older, I might look into rejoining a local community choir. Perhaps my old choir (The Irving Chorale) or my friend Randie’s choir (Schola Cantorum) might give me a break if they’re hard-up for baritone types. For singing purposes, my favorite styles are classical and gospel. Some musicals are great as well, such as Les Mis or Phantom. Just don’t make me try to dance and sing simultaneously. Something’s gotta give.
At work we’ve been negotiating a new contract for about 2 1/2 years now. We seem to be nearing the end of the process, and speculation abounds that we’ll get a nice raise from the deal. If so, I won’t have to work day or afternoon shifts for overtime anymore, just midnights when I want to make some extra cash. That will make both Mrs. Box and me very happy.
The contract negotiating process has given me a new appreciation for labor unions in general. There are always at least two sides to any discussion, and neither one is always right. Sometimes unions make bad choices. Sometimes management makes bad choices. Sometimes they work together and find a viable compromise.
I am very proud of my wife. While she has her bachelor’s degree and could simply stay home with the kids until they are grown, she decided to go back to school to become a nurse. Just completing the nursing pre-reqs has taken a lot of work, but she’s cranking them out and maintaining a 4.0 while raising two active boys. After Monday, she’ll only have one more class to go (microbiology this fall) before she applies for nursing school for next fall.
I get mad (internally, of course!) whenever I see a dog running around off-leash in my neighborhood or at a park. Two reasons: 1) I don’t know or trust the dog, and if he decides to attack me or my kids, the owner has no way to stop him. 2) Most cities around here have a leash law, and the owner is ignoring it.
My all-time favorite musician is probably Sarah McLachlan. Jenny got me tickets to see her at AAC a few years back, and she put on a fantastic show. If she ever comes back to Dallas, I’ll probably go again.

Drafting

Posted on May 6, 2012 by Andy

When I get an idea for a blog post, I don’t necessary write it immediately. Maybe I don’t have time. Maybe I’m still wrestling with exactly what to say or what my position is. Maybe I’m not sure I actually want to follow through.

If I’m not going to write the post immediately, I generally save the idea as a draft and let it cook for a while. Maybe I’ll pick it up later, maybe not. Sometimes it sits there for a long time until I’ve lost interest in the topic or it’s no longer relevant. Other times I finally figure out what I want to say and publish it a few days or weeks after the original idea.

In case you want to peek behind the curtain, here are some ideas in my drafts folder that might or might not actually show up here someday:

Standing in a Canoe – My struggle to cling to Jesus when there’s so much that doesn’t make sense to me. Unfinished because I’m not sure you guys want to read it.
Girl, Look at That Body – Different people prefer different body styles in the opposite sex (swimmer, average Joe, bodybuilder, runner, lots to love, etc.). It would be an interesting topic for discussion and would lend itself nicely to a large photo gallery. However, with so many people dissatisfied with their bodies, I fear it would do more harm than good.
Why I Am (Mostly) a Flaming Liberal Christian Freak – How can I not publish something with a title like that? I’ve actually written much of this one already. It includes Biblical reasons for my support of most liberal causes. But I’m trying to be less divisive. =)
Mainlining – A look at the mainline Christian church, a broad umbrella for the Methodists, Lutherans, Presbyterians, Episcopalians, and other groups who are neither Catholic nor evangelical (Baptist, Church of Christ, Assembly of God, charismatic, etc.). As a group, mainliners are shrinking, due largely to their refusal to proselytize aggressively. But their beliefs generally align better with my own. My buddy Keith (webmaster at BagOfNothing.com) thinks like I do, and he feels more at home in his new Presbyterian church.
The Wrong Side of History – In many generations, our society changes its views significantly on one or two major moral issues. In the mid-1800s, it was slavery. In the early 1900s, it was women’s suffrage. In the mid-1900s, it was racial equality and women’s rights. On each of these issues, the majority that preferred the status quo eventually became the minority, and later generations always came to view the old perspective as wrong, backwards, and shameful. The majority wound up being on the wrong side of history. I believe the issue today is gay rights, and that those who continue to support discrimination against gay people will eventually become the minority and be viewed as wrong and embarrassing by my children’s and grandchildren’s generations. Again, since I’m trying to be less divisive, at least for a bit, I’m holding on to this idea for now.
Bring Them Home – I had this idea for redoing the lyrics to the Les Miserables song “Bring Him Home” to address our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. But then I actually read the original lyrics and realized that yeah, it wouldn’t really work that well. I need to just delete this one.
Preventing Breast Cancer – With the recent controversy over mammogram recommendations, Planned Parenthood and Susan G. Komen, I got to thinking about why we focus so much on detecting breast cancer and so little on reducing the preventable risk factors. I just haven’t taken the time to do the research for this one.
Moving My Cheese at Southwest – I wrote this one in anticipation of a new job I was hoping to get. I wound up staying where I was, but I can’t bring myself to delete it. Maybe I’ll just post it anyway as a joke and confuse everyone.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this brief peek behind the curtain. If you’re dying to read any of these, please post a comment. I might be persuadable. Thanks as always for visiting.