In the 1991 movie City Slickers, three struggling, middle-aged men retreat to a dude ranch to work through their midlife crises and try to figure out the meaning of life. Early in their visit, the weathered old trail boss, Curly (Jack Palance), tells Mitch (Billy Crystal) the secret of life is “one thing, just one thing. You stick to that, and everything else don’t mean [squat].” Mitch asks him what the “one thing” is, and Curly tells him he’ll have to figure that out for himself. Click here for the clip.

Mitch spends the rest of the movie trying to figure out what Curly means. Finally, at the end [SPOILER!!] Mitch realizes that the “one thing” isn’t a grand and universal mystery; it’s something different for each person. Everyone needs to find their own “one thing” and let everything else fit into place around it. That idea resonated with teenage me and stuck with me through today.

I’ve tried many “one things” during my life, with varying degrees of success.

At times, my one thing was school – studying hard, working hard, striving for the best grades and test scores and class ranks and scholarships. By most measures I succeeded. In my mind, my self-worth came largely from my grades. However, when you measure success by numbers on a transcript, it stings when you inevitably come up a little short of your goal or someone else scored a little higher. (I’m looking at you, senior year calculus!!).

At times, my one thing was religion – viewing everything in my life through a spiritual lens, following the rules, doing all the right things they teach you in church, spreading the good news, loving God and loving people. Certainly some good came from that approach, but it also led me to make some bad decisions and warped my view of reality.

For a time, my one thing was work – thinking about my team when I was working, continuing to think about work during my time off, thinking about how I could please the boss and improve our processes and the office overall and be a better dispatcher and leader. This one was sneaky because it happened during my brief stint in management, and I didn’t fully realize I was doing it. Finally my wife got fed up and called me on it, and she was right. Even at home, my brain was still at work, and my family was getting my leftovers. I left my management role within a year and will never return.

Now, my one thing is my family, specifically my wife and two sons. Am I a perfect husband and father? Not even close. Do I spend every waking moment with them? No, that would really get on their nerves. But it feels right to make them my priority and let everything else fall in behind them.

I work to provide for them and to prepare for early retirement so Jenny and I can go travel while we’re still relatively young and healthy. I take care of my body so I can stay alive longer for them and stay attractive to my wife. I try to attend most of the boys’ concerts, recitals, home games, marching contests, musical performances, and awards ceremonies so the boys know I love them and support their art. I try to arrange my work schedule around my family’s calendar. I still take Jenny out on dates after 23 years, and once or twice a week we just sit on the coouch and talk for a while over an adult beverage so we stay connected. I still try to have dinner with the boys regularly, although it has gotten harder as they got older with busier schedules. I know what classes the boys are taking, what Jenny has going on at work (so many shenanigan stories!), and what’s coming up for them. All of these things make me happy. They are my “one thing”, and my life makes the most sense this way.

What is your “one thing”?