A while back I applied for a different position within my company, a “real job” where I would have gone to meetings, had my own office and business cards and phone number, and held a normal schedule. It sounded like a very interesting position, full of challenge and opportunity and a good match for my abilities. I really wanted it. Among other things, it would finally give me a place to display my awesome model airplane collection and SWA paraphernalia. But after much debate, discussion, and prayer, I decided not to take the job.

I won’t go into the reasons here. I thought they were sound, but I still wondered whether I’d made the right choice and whether I would ever regret it.

Recently I took a break from my normal job to work on a special writing project. For a couple of weeks, my life looked similar to the semi-permanent one I’d turned down. I had a cube and a computer. I went to meetings and worked with people in other departments during normal business hours. The day-to-day dispatch problems that normally played a huge role in my work, such as thunderstorms and ATC problems, transformed into distant distractions that other people had to worry about.

My partner and I made great progress. We actually don’t have much work left to do on our end, although the final product won’t be approved and published for a few more months. I am truly excited about the new manual and confident that it will help our department significantly.

However, I learned some important truths about myself through this experience. Some of these things I’d suspected for a while but didn’t want to admit. Some I’d simply forgotten over time. Here are a few:

• I hate, hate, hate meetings. They are a great way to kill time and look busy, but they rarely seem to accomplish anything, which generally necessitates another meeting.
• I don’t like being a leader, as I’ve mentioned here before. I’ve pretended to like it in the past. I’ve felt bad for not liking it, since it seems to be expected of me as a Christian. Leadership is motivating people to do what you want them to do instead of what they want to do. It’s a wonderful quality to have, and I am glad some people possess it, but it runs head-on into one of my most important characteristics: the desire to avoid conflict. I don’t want to build consensus. I don’t want to blaze a trail for everybody. After 32 years on earth, I can finally own up to it: I would rather follow you than lead you. If following you is a bad idea, I’m happy to simply do my own thing and don’t need followers to affirm me. Followers stress me out.
• I am much less stressed when I leave my work at work, which I can do with my normal job. Whether my shift was a cakewalk or a nightmare, at 7am I turn over my desks and go home. I have no projects to think about during the day. Nobody needs anything from me (most of the time). I have no meetings to plan or presentations to prepare. Effectively, I don’t even have a boss to impress. It’s beautiful.
• I don’t like working with other people. There, I said it. I like people, love people, need people, and understand the value of people. I’ve worked with some very knowledgeable and talented people. My partner on the manual is a rock star, and his input has been invaluable. But I don’t want to work with people. I prefer to work solo, which is generally what I do as a dispatcher. I sit at my desk and plan my flights. When necessary, I might talk to a pilot or mechanic, but the majority of my job is just me and my computers, just the way I like it. I don’t want to depend on other people to get my work done. I hated it in school, and I still do as an adult.

Ah, that was refreshing. And it leads me to another important revelation that you’ve probably figured out already:

I probably would not have enjoyed the job that I decided not to take.

I’ve thought and written a lot about God. I still don’t understand Him. I don’t exactly know what to believe about Him. But I do believe this: He is at work in my life. Perhaps I rarely see it. Perhaps I don’t even know how to look for it. But He does play a huge role. And I believe that He is a big reason that I decided not to take that job. He saw things I couldn’t see and knew I wouldn’t be happy, so He steered me in the right direction.

Thank you, Lord.