The Choice is Yours, Brenden

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One of the tenets of Love and Logic is choice. Instead of giving your child orders all the time and waging a continual war of wills, you can give your child a choice between two acceptable options. Giving him choices does several things:

  1. It gives him a sense of ownership of the issue and teaches him to think and solve problems.
  2. It gives him some control over his life, even if it’s just a minor issue.
  3. It helps him accept the consequences of his choice and learn about cause and effect.

For example, let’s say it’s cold outside. The issue is whether your son is going to bring his coat when the family goes out. Many parents would simply order him to take and wear the coat. The Love and Logic approach would be to explain the cold weather and then give him the choice to take the coat or not. If he chooses not to take your advice and winds up cold, he has learned a valuable lesson.

Without knowing it, my mom used this technique with my sister once. (I might have a few of the details wrong, so I hope my sis and mom will post any necessary corrections) We could have one “sweet” per day, such as a candy bar or piece of cake. My sister shared her brother’s sweet tooth, which made this rule necessary. One day she decided she wanted a full bowl of sugar as her sweet. My mom told her that wasn’t a very good idea but gave her the choice anyway. Lisa dove in. At first it was great! Then it was pretty good. Then she started to get a little queasy. Finally she decided she couldn’t finish the bowl. What did she learn? That she can have too much of a good thing. Because Lisa both participated in the decision and got to experience the consequences, the lesson was much more effective than simply telling her no.

We look for lots of opportunities to give Brenden choices. “Do you want milk or juice?” “Would you rather brush your teeth first or put on your pajamas first?” “Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the red shirt?” We are happy with either option, but giving him so many minor choices helps him and also improves our relationship. When he has so much say in his life, even at 21 months old, it isn’t as much of a problem when we need to make some decisions for him on more important issues.

Brenden inherited some of his father’s stubbornness. Those of you who know me, especially my parents, know that I can be quite stubborn when I want to be. In some cases, I’m being stubborn to stand up for what I believe is right, just like everyone should. In other cases, especially in my younger days, I’m just being stubborn to maintain some degree of control over my life. Brenden seems to really enjoy getting to make choices about his day. I’ll bet that’s partly because it gives him back some control. One slide in Wednesday’s presentation summed up the paradox well:

  • Parents who share control get to keep it.
  • Parents who fight to keep control always lose it.

Ever know kids who came from a really strict family full of rules and orders? What happened when they left home? There’s a good chance they went nuts and got into lots of trouble enjoying the new freedom. Our valedictorian was like that. Although brilliant, he came from strict, hard-driving parents who micromanaged his life. Once he got to college, he partied most of his freshman year, lost his scholarships, and nearly flunked out before getting his act together.

Although I couldn’t see it at the time, my parents gave me more freedom to make my own choices. As a result, I didn’t feel the need to go crazy once I left for college. I’m not nearly as smart as our valedictorian, but I worked hard, got to keep my scholarships, and had a more successful college career. Our parents’ differing approaches played an important role in our success as adults.

Jenny and I are enjoying this series and look forward to seeing how it works in practice. So far, so good!

Snip Snip, aka Shootin’ Blanks

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UPDATE: The surgery went well. As promised, it took 5-10 minutes and caused only minor discomfort. I went to work as planned without taking anything stronger than ibuprofen for pain. In the interest of taste, I’ll spare you the other details, but I’ll tell you all you want to know if you’re really interested. Thank for for your interest in my reproductive health. =)

PS…United HealthCare denied my request for a consolation iPad, so I picked up a vanilla milkshake instead. It was quite tasty.

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With January’s addition of Jonathan to our family, we now have a 1:1 ratio of parents to children. We like that ratio. It divides perfectly. It’s population-neutral in that each parent produces a single offspring. We can play Spades or doubles tennis together. Once the boys get older, we’ll be able to ride most roller coasters without making someone ride solo or (EEEEK!) with a stranger. We can all barely fit in the Turbo Mini that Jenny wants to get someday.

You know where I’m going with this: it’s time to shut down the Box baby production line. I know some of you are disappointed. After all, our boys are awfully cute. But we’re very happy with two.

The most important part of the line (Jenny) actually ceased operations in January during her c-section for Jonathan. Since strange things happen sometimes, I’m going to get fixed as well. If we ever get pregnant again, it will truly be a miracle! (yes, it has happened before – that’s how a friend of ours got here, but that’s another story) As a side note, ever wonder why they call it “getting fixed”, as if fertile = broken?

Today is the day, this afternoon to be specific. My urologist is Richard Beven-Thomas in Arlington. Why him? He offers a special type of vasectomy that uses no needles and no scalpel. Given the sensitivity of the target area, I liked the sound of this technique. A lot. He’s very smart and experienced. He also considers “balls” a legitimate medical term. Did I mention he doesn’t use a needle or a scalpel?

No-Needle, No-Scalpel Vasectomy

YouTube posts several videos of the procedure in case you’re really curious, but I doubt you are. =)

My mom told me that another country had trouble getting its men to get vasectomies at one time. Then they started passing out free radios with each procedure, and demand skyrocketed. Suddenly the guys walking around with radios were the most popular guys in town! Hmm… I propose that on the way out the door, each man who gets a vasectomy should get a free iPad. Are you listening, United HealthCare? For a deal like that, I’ll take two.

The doctor says the procedure and recovery should be fairly easy. I can drive myself home and need only Advil for pain. Famous last words? We’ll see. I’m scheduled to work Monday night thanks to a possibly foolish shift trade. If I have to call in sick, I hope to get a male superintendent instead of our lone female one. I don’t want to explain to Emily that I can’t work tonight because my crotch hurts.

Brenden’s New Bed

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Last week we learned that Brenden’s crib, which we’d already partially disassembled when the drop-side rail decided not to stay up, had been recalled due to problems with the slats beneath the mattress. We’d gotten the crib with a nursery-in-a-box set by Simplicity. It was cheap, and we got what we paid for it. The company is no longer in business and many, if not most, of its products have been recalled. Live and learn!

The good news is that Wal-Mart willingly refunded our money for the entire set, not just the defective crib. We used that money to buy Brenden an IKEA twin-size bed and two IKEA twin-size mattresses that we found on Craiglist. The bed is cool – a flippable bunk bed. Naturally, for now we’re keeping it upside-down with Brenden’s mattress on the bottom level and the ladder pushed against the wall so he can’t climb on top. Once he gets older and more aware of gravity, we can flip it so he’s on the top bunk and add a mattress on bottom for a guest. We hadn’t planned on getting B an adult-size bed quite so soon, but so far it’s working out great. He loves it!

Honesty

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During my freshman year at Baylor, I answered a phone call from a girl who wanted to talk to my roommate. He didn’t want to talk to her for some reason, so he told me to tell her he wasn’t there.

“I’m not going to lie for you, dude,” I told him.

He was shocked, as if no one had ever told him that before. I was a bit shocked myself. No one had ever asked me that before.

I’d be lying (ha!) if I said I’d never lied before, but it’s been rare. I try hard to tell the truth and expect others to do the same. If I catch you lying to me or to someone else, even if you think you’re doing me a favor, I lose respect for you. Honesty is not a matter of convenience.

A friend of mine was scheduled to work this morning, but this person told me in advance that they planned to call in “sick” today because family was in town. I rarely confront people, especially in person, when I disagree with something they’re doing, and I didn’t say anything. However, due to sick calls and other issues, today we had several open shifts at work that needed to be covered via overtime. We used up all the people who had volunteered for overtime but still had one morning shift open. The superintendents called every legal person who hadn’t signed up. No one took the shift, and the desk remains uncovered. This is very rare. Guess which desk I’m planning this morning? Yep. So because my friend chose to lie, I have no relief, and a manager has to come in early to reassign the workload from the uncovered desk to other people who chose to be honest and come to work.

After some debate, I emailed this person about what had happened. I wanted them to know that one of the people they hosed was me.

If you always tell the truth, you don’t have to keep all your lies straight. Life is much simpler that way, and less stressful, too. I think Jesus said it best:

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. – John 8:32

“May” I Have More Random Facts, Please?

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Ten more…line ’em up!

  1. I was quite possibly the worst baseball player ever as a little kid. After getting hit in the arm by a pitch or two, I decided I was afraid to swing in case I got hit again. So I went to the plate and either walked or struck out. I quit after that season.
  2. Speaking of baseball, I attended the final game at the old Arlington Stadium and the first game at the new Ballpark in Arlington.
  3. In a quiet setting, I can hear faint noises quite well. In a noisy situation, I often find it difficult to filter out the background noise so I can understand what people are saying.
  4. My musical tastes depend on the setting. In the car, I like rock and pop. If I’m studying or napping, I prefer classical or silence. If I’m relaxing at home alone or the only one awake, I like smooth jazz and new age.
  5. To save water and heating costs, I sometimes turn off the water while I soap up and turn it back on to rinse. Hey, it saves a few gallons! Supposedly Jennifer Aniston does the same thing.
  6. My first real job was taking care of kids at the City of Coppell Day Camp during the summer after my freshman year of college. I made 10 bucks an hour, not bad for a college summer job. I couldn’t stand my boss. I liked my coworkers and most of the kids. Most of them are probably in college right now. I feel old.
  7. When people ask how tall I am, and I tell them six feet, they are generally shocked that I’m not taller. I don’t understand why. Maybe it’s my boots with the two-inch heel?
  8. I admire people who tell me the truth straight-up instead of sugar-coating everything and hiding what they really feel. I like to know where I stand with you. However, I find it difficult to do myself, especially in-person.
  9. Cruises are my favorite form of vacation. We’re planning one to the Bahamas in October. I can hardly wait!!
  10. I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Sam Adams Winter Lager or Summer Ale or Corona with lime.