One of the tenets of Love and Logic is choice. Instead of giving your child orders all the time and waging a continual war of wills, you can give your child a choice between two acceptable options. Giving him choices does several things:

1. It gives him a sense of ownership of the issue and teaches him to think and solve problems.
2. It gives him some control over his life, even if it’s just a minor issue.
3. It helps him accept the consequences of his choice and learn about cause and effect.

For example, let’s say it’s cold outside. The issue is whether your son is going to bring his coat when the family goes out. Many parents would simply order him to take and wear the coat. The Love and Logic approach would be to explain the cold weather and then give him the choice to take the coat or not. If he chooses not to take your advice and winds up cold, he has learned a valuable lesson.

Without knowing it, my mom used this technique with my sister once. (I might have a few of the details wrong, so I hope my sis and mom will post any necessary corrections) We could have one “sweet” per day, such as a candy bar or piece of cake. My sister shared her brother’s sweet tooth, which made this rule necessary. One day she decided she wanted a full bowl of sugar as her sweet. My mom told her that wasn’t a very good idea but gave her the choice anyway. Lisa dove in. At first it was great! Then it was pretty good. Then she started to get a little queasy. Finally she decided she couldn’t finish the bowl. What did she learn? That she can have too much of a good thing. Because Lisa both participated in the decision and got to experience the consequences, the lesson was much more effective than simply telling her no.

We look for lots of opportunities to give Brenden choices. “Do you want milk or juice?” “Would you rather brush your teeth first or put on your pajamas first?” “Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the red shirt?” We are happy with either option, but giving him so many minor choices helps him and also improves our relationship. When he has so much say in his life, even at 21 months old, it isn’t as much of a problem when we need to make some decisions for him on more important issues.

Brenden inherited some of his father’s stubbornness. Those of you who know me, especially my parents, know that I can be quite stubborn when I want to be. In some cases, I’m being stubborn to stand up for what I believe is right, just like everyone should. In other cases, especially in my younger days, I’m just being stubborn to maintain some degree of control over my life. Brenden seems to really enjoy getting to make choices about his day. I’ll bet that’s partly because it gives him back some control. One slide in Wednesday’s presentation summed up the paradox well:

• Parents who share control get to keep it.
• Parents who fight to keep control always lose it.

Ever know kids who came from a really strict family full of rules and orders? What happened when they left home? There’s a good chance they went nuts and got into lots of trouble enjoying the new freedom. Our valedictorian was like that. Although brilliant, he came from strict, hard-driving parents who micromanaged his life. Once he got to college, he partied most of his freshman year, lost his scholarships, and nearly flunked out before getting his act together.

Although I couldn’t see it at the time, my parents gave me more freedom to make my own choices. As a result, I didn’t feel the need to go crazy once I left for college. I’m not nearly as smart as our valedictorian, but I worked hard, got to keep my scholarships, and had a more successful college career. Our parents’ differing approaches played an important role in our success as adults.

Jenny and I are enjoying this series and look forward to seeing how it works in practice. So far, so good!