After President Obama’s surprise announcement in support of gay marriage, Christians across the country are denouncing his position and calling for the government to uphold the Biblical model of marriage. Many even call for new laws or even constitutional amendments to enforce the Biblical model. I agree 100 percent. As many have noted, God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. If God’s law was good enough for His people long ago, it should most certainly be good enough for us.
Except for those heathen liberals, everyone knows we need to prohibit gay marriage to protect the American family. But it turns out we need to update some other laws as well. Here are some changes that must be made to our marriage laws to bring them into line with the Bible:
Polygamy Allowed – A man is permitted to have more than one wife. In the days of the Old Testament, polygamy was perfectly acceptable and not prohibited by the Bible (Exodus 21:10). Indeed, Jacob had two, Leah and Rachel (Genesis 29:27-28). King David, the “man after God’s own heart”, had several wives and concubines (2 Samuel 5:13). Solomon, the wisest man ever, had hundreds of each (1 Kings 11:3). (I assume he wrote Song of Solomon for his favorite) Don’t ask me how they kept up with so many women. I’m not sure I could remember all their names if I had 1000 wives, but it worked for them. Maybe those fundamentalist Mormons in west Texas with multiple wives weren’t so crazy after all. The only Biblical exception I’ve found is for pastors and deacons in the church, who are only allowed one wife. (1 Timothy 3:1-13) Some on the Religious Right won’t agree with allowing polygamy because it doesn’t match their traditional view of marriage, but they just aren’t reading their Bibles carefully.
Marriage Required After Premarital Sex – If a man has sex with an unmarried woman (or girl – no age limit in the Bible), he must marry her, and he owes her father the standard bride price of 50 pieces of silver (the price might need some discussion due to the volatility in silver prices). Sex is like superglue and bonds two people together forever. What’s that, you say? You drank a bit too much at a party and went home with some girl you just met? Congratulations! Your search for a wife is officially over. (Deuteronomy 22:28-29)
New Brides Stoned if Not Virgins – If a man marries a woman and then finds she is not a virgin (I won’t go into the details, as this is a family blog), she must be stoned for her sin. Well, I suppose we could use lethal injection now since stoning has gone out of style here in America. Virginity is easily verifiable, so this new law should be straightforward to implement. (Deuteronomy 22:13-21)
Divorce Prohibited – God hates divorce, so it must be sinful and is therefore outlawed. (Malachi 2:13-16) Sorry. No “irreconcilable differences”. No “she’s not the same person I married”. No “he gets drunk and beats me up”. No “he cheated on me”. Those problems are certainly regrettable, but a husband and wife are married, and marriage is permanent. Except when a spouse dies (and don’t get any ideas – remember the sixth commandment!), marriage is a one-time commitment for everyone. It’s like Let’s Make A Deal, and you’re taking Door Number 3 for life. Choose wisely.
Death Penalty for Adultery – Yep, cheating on your spouse is now a death sentence for both the offending parties. (Deuteronomy 22:22) This one should free up a few seats in Congress, eh? The Word is clear. Seems weird that we haven’t been doing this all along. After all, I don’t recall anywhere in the Bible where this rule gets lifted. Sure, Jesus gave a pass to one adulterous woman, but I think He was just feeling generous that day. If we want to protect the American family, we need some real penalties for sins like adultery.
Remarriage After Divorce Prohibited – Divorce will be impossible, but if you got divorced before the American marriage laws were updated, you cannot get remarried. That’s adultery. (see above for the new penalty for adultery) Sorry. Happy singleness, divorced people. You’re pretty much screwed for life. Er, well, actually not screwed for the rest of your life. (can I say “screwed” on a family blog?) Yes, Jesus did say in Matthew 5 that it’s not adultery if a man divorces his wife due to infidelity and then remarries, which some might try to use as a loophole. However, in Mark 10 and Luke 16, He left out that exception, so we need to play this one conservatively. Risking sin isn’t worth it. We all must be on guard at all times.
Widows Without a Male Heir Must Marry Brother-in-Law – The purpose of marriage is to produce children and fill the earth, right? No heir = no bueno. If a woman’s husband dies before they have produced a male heir, she must marry his brother (Darryl?) so that the two of them can produce a male heir. (Mark 12:18-23) Remember, polygamy is OK now, so no worries if Darryl is already married. No worries if Darryl’s wife objects, either. She doesn’t get a vote. (She is a woman, after all) If Darryl dies without a producing an heir with her, she must marry his other brother (Darryl?), and so on until they get the job done. As a side note, we can probably assume from the importance of heirs that birth control should be outlawed as well, but we’ll have to plan our legislative battles wisely and wait for the right time. Until then, we can simply give childless couples dirty looks to shame them into compliance. Surely they are not choosing God’s plan for them.
So there you have it, a rough blueprint for how to save the Biblical institution of marriage from the crazy liberal commies who are trying to remake it in their own image. Don’t be fooled by their talk of “loving your neighbor as yourself” and “the golden rule” and “equal rights”. Our government has a clear constitutional responsibility to force all Americans to live by our clearly defined Christian values. Those traditional values are what makes this America, the land of the free. Contact your representatives in Washington today and make sure they know where you stand.